Time

Awaken by the alarm I struggled to even open my eyes. I sensed discomfort, soreness, tiredness, dizziness. My head hurts. I get up and turned off the alarm. The door rings…I have to catch a plane in a few hours. I am going back to reality.

Life passes so fast. One can only hope to embrace it as much as one can. Awake then sleep, sleep than awake. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and so on... what did I do last week? What thoughts or feelings I had?

Unpleasant feelings follow that night…no memories. God I wish I remember!!!!  Maybe is for the best!!!

“This plane ride is so long...maybe if I drink something I will feel better.” I did, and I am happy I did.

The following months are unbelievable. I start to experience a life that I only dreamed of. I started to behave in a much unexpected matter. It was as if I have released the dark side of me which had been hidden for years. I WAS HAPPY, BUT SAD AT THE SAME TIME I WAS FEELING GUILTY (guilt never leaves me).

Life is precious. I never want to take it for granted. I am glad for each day, and want to make the best of it.

I often write just because I like to go back and read what I was thinking in the past. I do not want to forget. I want to remember.

So here I am back to my unique self. Life experiences shape us, but it is not what happened what matter, but what we make of it.

September 4^th (I don’t want to forget)

AMAZING FEELING

"AMAZING"

THAT WHO  AND WHAT I AM, NOTHING LESS!!!
YOU ARE HEARTLESS..'
YOU ARE SELFISH...
YOU ARE INSENSITIVE...
YOU ARE BURNED...

SUDDENLY, I FEEL MORE "AMAZING" , I FEEL REFRESH, CALM, PEACEFUL,RENEW, NEW, HAPPIER AND STRONGER...

SUDDENLY, I REALIZED WHAT I LOST WHEN I MET YOU, BUT IT IS OK BECAUSE I AM ABLE TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, AND THAT ONLY MAKES ME A STRONGER WOMAN..

SUDDENLY, I CONTINUE TO FEEL "AMAZING"
AUGUST 2012

INNOVATION

 I do not believe in evolution. I was always very religious. I want to believe there is something better out
there, a superpower that guide our life, destiny or eternity. lately, I have been thinking a lot about evolution, but mostly about human evolution in relationship to technology and innovation. Historically, progress always developed in part of the world where people have access to technology and education. Europe and America were the leaders of invention and innovation, even though, The Maya civilization, for instance,left behind  thousands of indications of how advanced and developed there where in comparison to what later others "discovered" (see how I put in parenthesis). Well, I have a problem with this word, but that is another topic!!!!
What is amazing  to me is the fact that we, as a civilization are able to develop and innovate technology in so many different levels, but at the same time, we are powerless and unable to feed thousands of people who are dying right now in countries like Somalia. This inequality among civilization is the biggest, and most shameful reality that overshadows every attend to progress.

I ask myself how come so many people  do not have the advantage to have a job, which in term will provide them with money to buy food and clothes for their families. I ask myself how come  I am free to do whatever I want whenever I want?. How come I was not born in 1820?, for instance. How come I was not a slave, or an Indian, or a Mayan?. Who am I? I do not care so much about where I came from, but more about where  am I going /where will I go !!!

I like the idea that 20 years from now we will be traveling in flying cars: yeah, right?!! the reality of it is, and not that I am being a pessimist, 20 years from now we will have to be a society "equally" advanced so that all the inequalities such as, thousands of kids and women dying of hunger, diseases, and depression, do not contradict the bases of progress. Wishful thinking!!! For now, I am as many Millenniums, very optimistic about innovation. I like to to believe that progress in our time, will not be measured by how many wars we have won, but how many people we have saved from diseases or hunger. So, as  long as we are willing to use innovation as a form of progress and not as a way of capitalization,  I will continue to believe that maybe, evolution in terms of innovation is the best thing that the human race will leave behind.

"COMPANIONSHIP"

I do not have female friends (just one,claudia,love her very much)anyways, I tend to relate more to men. I can tell a man anything,that is if he is smart and wise. What I like about male friendship is that MEN  are more open minded about some things. I like the fact that they do have to agree with everything I said, as we expect female friend to do. I like that there is no drama, jealousy, or competition There is some type of freedom associated with it. I like the fact that Jimmy and I can go to catch a movie,  have a great dinner, and talk about everything and anything. I like the fact that he trusts me, and he knows that if he needs me, he can count on me.I  like the fact that Javier can come over to my house with his kids and I can cook a great meal for him. I like to spend my birthdays with him. He takes me out to a different restaurant every year. He is the smartest man I have ever met. He too have always adviced me on many aspects in life, from family to jobs to love.  There are my friends Teddy, Taju,and Robert, who I talk to about business all day long, but who in  many instances each one have helped me in one  way or another. There is Antonio, him and I hated each other when we met. We have come a long way. He too is one of my best friends. Antonio and I can talk about anything. I do not expect to hear what I want from him, I like that. He is honest and have always motivated me to keep going forward through my deepest shadows. There is Rey, who have always coached me through many situations. He is such a great  coach and motivator, he is a very special man. There is my special friend Pablo. We have been through so much together, and our friendship have evolved through the years. Pablo is an unconditional friend. I love him besides the fact that he forces me to go with him to boring painting exhibitions,museums, intellectual gatherings, colleges exhibitions,ect. It is torture!!! We know each other so well that we do not have to speak to know what we think. Pablo was there for  me through my divorce and help me overcome my sadness and desperation. He did it the best way(not talking,not listening,just letting me cry without judging me). To all my friends, thank you so much for being there for me, for not taking advantage of me, for listening, for being honest and true. Thank you for not judging me( hate it). Companionship comes in many shapes and forms, friend is a word that is misused. Friend is an act of unconditional  trust.

Why not?

       Some days i know the answer to this question and some other days i do not. I have a very logical explanation for why not, which i keep repeating to myself over and over again, but even this sometimes does not make sense. Why not? Because i don't need the headache, because i don't want to be hurt, because i am selfish, because i am independent, because i am self sufficient, because i don't have time, because of my busy schedule, because no one understand me, because i am a difficult woman to please..... and many more reasons why not.
        The truth of the matter is that i am comfortable with myself and who i am, most importantly, i know what i do not want. I don't want lies, laziness, procrastination, devotion, hopelessness, indifference, isolation, carelessness,insensibility, darkness, fairness, secrets... i don't want it!!!!
         There is peace and tranquility in my life which i never experienced before. I am selfish because i only have to worry about myself ( and my two monkeys who depend on me). Waking up has never been so delightful as when i have to get up to make chocolate milk before 7am. Why not? simply because it is so much better this way.
         There is a theory that says that one most ask five times why in order to find the root cause of something. Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not?.... well, that did not work in this case because the answer continues to be the same...just because i don't want to!!!!
        Will i regret it later when i am old, wrinkle, unable to do many of the things i can do now? who knows? I will never do anything just  to please others. I can only please myself and make myself happy, no one can make me happy but me. For now and until whenever just because i don't want to!!!! As simple as that....

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES PART2

''ONE OF MY FAVORITE CARTOONS EVERY SATURDAY MORNING"  

       Imagination and invention was what i was good for when i was  eleven years old. One of my favorite things to do was to play with sand and  mug. I remember that i developed a rash on my  knees so bad that i spend many days going to the dermatologist. I just loved to play with sand and dirt. I used to swim and rub on it. My mom probably got tired of yelling at me so i would get out of the dirt, because she just gave up on me. My favorite time to go splash on the mug was whenever it rained. I pretended that the dirt was a giant pool. When it was raining i used to go to any hill and slided myself down the hill as if i was going down a real slide on a playground. That was amazing!!!!
       Another thing i enjoy doing when i was little was climbing trees. It was as if by climbing those trees i was escaping from the world below. My mom could never find me. I remember  that she would bring me food so that i could eat. I also liked climbing trees because i liked to pick fresh fruits. I used to pick Mangos, my favorite fruit, also Cherries, Almonds, Guanabanas, Passion Fruits and Tamarindo. Every time i picked Almond fruits i used to prepare a dessert which i just loved . I would eat the Almond fruit first and then  smash it with a stone in order to take the Almond seed out. This was a long but easy process for me, but when i was finished all of my clothes and hands were stained from the Almond fruit. My mom would beat me up for this, but i didn't care because the Almond dessert was yummy.
       Sand, dirt, rain, and trees are not the most appealing things to many of us who live in big city like New York, nevertheless, when one lived in a beautiful Island like where i was born, one learn to appreciate and respect nature. More importantly, one understands that materials things like cars, computers, phones,ect  sometimes keep us from enjoying life in a unique way. Have you ever climbed on top of you roof house to watch the sun raised? Have you ever cross a river or a mountain while riding a horse? Have you ever picked the most beautiful fruit and then sit on a rock by the river and just eat it? That is the life!!!!!


      The Blind SideThe Blind SideAvatar (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo) [Blu-ray]

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES PART1

Avatar (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo) [Blu-ray]

One of my best childhood memories are those of the ''barrio'' nights. On those nights all kids from my block and i would play all kind of imaginable games. One of my favorite games was hide and seek because i was a good climber and my friends could never find me.
    I remember that most of the time there was no power in the neighborhood. This was a good thing for my friends and i because it made our games more interesting. One particular thing about my generation is that boys and girls played separate. This is funny because  it was as if we were enemies,but sometimes we played war games against each other. I loved to play war games because that was the only time we played with the boys. There was always an empty or abandoned house in the neighborhood which gave us more excuse to make any game fun an exciting. We dare each other to touch or enter the house. This was so much fun. There no balls,toys,bicycles, dolls, or video games,just  a lot of imagination and invention. We were a generation that was not hooked to the television, but on the contrary we left that for the adults, because to us there was so much outside in our backyards to explore and discover. I remember that we made balls and dolls out of cloth and guns out of wood. We also made houses out of trees, boxes or leaves.The best play time ever was whenever it was raining.The rain was the best excuse for us to go outside and play. Today i don't understand how our parents let us played in the rain without worrying about some danger.On the other hand, we also collected rain our for our families to drink as well.   All we needed was a plastic bag over our heads and shoe less we run and played all around the "barrio". We are nine years old  only once in a life time. I really enjoyed mine!!!